If you’re looking for some witty wife jokes to give you a chuckle or to use as fodder at your next dinner party, then you’ve come to the right place! They say that behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes. While the sanctity of marriage is serious business, it’s still fun to poke some lighthearted jokes at the occasional quirks of relationships. If you’re looking for some witty wife jokes to give you a chuckle or to use as fodder at your next dinner party, then you’ve come to the right place!In this extensive blog post, we’ve compiled 100 of the best jokes about wives and marriage. From the wife who goes overboard with holiday decor to the husband who can never win an argument, you’re sure to find some that will have you and your significant other laughing for days. So grab your partner and get ready for some funny marital comedy!
Why Do We Enjoy Jokes About Wives So Much?
Let’s start by discussing why wife jokes tend to hit the funny bone so easily. There are a few psychological and sociological reasons why we get a kick out of marital comedy:
By exaggerating common stereotypes and quirks, jokes allow us to blow off steam and find humor in the day-to-day realities of married life. Laughing about a fictional, over-the-top wife allows us to find comedy in real-life imperfections.
Many find wit about marriages relatable since wedded bliss has its ups and downs. The joke’s premises resonate since we’ve experienced similar dynamics in our own relationships.
Marriage jokes touch on topics like sex, divorce, death, and gender roles that are often considered taboo. The envelope-pushing nature releases tension.
Laughter helps couples cope with stress and avoid taking themselves too seriously. Jokes allow spouses to stay lighthearted.
Now that we’ve covered the psychology behind the humor, let’s dive into the jokes! We’ve got 100 of the very best wife gags and funny one-liners to give you a barrel of laughs.
Clean Jokes About Wives
We’ll start off with some PG-rated wife jokes that are family-friendly and not too risque. These are great for kids or more conservative crowds:
- My wife treats our home like a hotel. She’s currently in reception asking when I’m checking out!
- My wife said she wanted to go somewhere she’s never been before for our anniversary. So I took her to the kitchen.
- Women expect men to be like soap – 99.44% pure and .56% clean.
- My wife asked me to pass her lipstick. I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me!
- My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
- My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
- I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for a costume party. I walked in and yelled “Admiral Ackbar!” She shouted “It’s a trap!”
- My wife said I shouldn’t sing I Kissed A Girl since I’m married. I told her it would be an apt choice because it’s fiction.
- My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.
- My wife said she’s leaving me because I make geology puns all the time. I told her not to take me for granite!
- My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
- My wife said she hates boxing so much that they should ban it. When I asked why, she said, “It’s so violent! Two people beating each other senseless!” I said, “I know… I thought you liked it!”
- My wife accused me of having zero empathy. I told her I don’t understand what she’s even talking about!
- My wife tried to unlatch our baby’s car seat with one hand while holding him in the other arm. After 10 minutes of struggling, she grunted and said, “How the heck do they expect us to do this?” Without looking up I deadpanned, “Read the manual.”
- My wife was once hit by a bus in our neighborhood. She was very upset and said, “Do you realize I could have been killed?” I told her yeah, but look on the bright side: I’d have gotten the insurance money!”
Funny Short Jokes About Marriage
If you like quick, clever one-liners, then you’ll love these fast, funny short jokes about wives and marriage:
- I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, the others were at least sevens or eights.
- Getting married is the #1 cause of divorce.
- My wife accused me of blowing our budget on useless gadgets. But she just doesn’t get high tech!
- My wife said I have two major faults. I told her I only have one – being wrong!
- Marriage is like a deck of cards – in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. But by the end you’ll wish you had a club and a spade!
- Someone once asked my wife if she could see herself getting married. She said no, the veil was covering her eyes.
- My wife asked me if she could go zip lining for her birthday. I told her, “Sorry, but the line for that is way too long.”
- My wife hates the fact that I take everything so literally. So I kicked her out of the house.
- Marriage is grand. Divorce, on the other hand, is 100 grand.
- They say when a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
- My wife accused me of having selective hearing. I told her, that’s completely potato!
- My wife is really mad at me for not paying attention to her. Or maybe that’s just what I was told.
- My wife said I shouldn’t sing lullabies to our infant because I’m tone deaf. But I saw her eyes shut just like mine!
- My wife asked me to pass the batteries, so I lithium.
- My wife found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the ceiling.
- My wife drew a heart on the foggy shower door while I was in it. romantics will say she wrote “I love you.” Pessimists will say she drew a target.
- My wife’s craving brownies again. Isn’t it amazing how pregnant women always seem to crave whatever you’re currently eating?
- If my wife says, “You’re not even listening, are you?!” I can honestly reply, “I don’t know.”
- I could tell my wife was disappointed I wasn’t wearing a costume for Halloween. I kept saying “But I came as myself!”
- I was struggling to decide whether to spend $50 on a pay-per-view UFC fight or use that money to take my wife out to a romantic dinner. In the end I decided to keep it since my wife doesn’t eat that much.
Funny Rude Jokes About Wives
Now we’re going to move into some funny rude jokes about wives for those who don’t mind some adult humor. Read these at your own discretion!
- My wife accused me of having an affair with a much younger woman at work. I told her that I’m way too old to have an affair with anyone at my office.
- I knew my wife was really mad at me when she changed my iPad password to “incorrect.”
- My wife asked me to try some yoga sex positions last night. It wasn’t too bad actually, but being locked in a suitcase for 3 hours can get quite uncomfortable.
- My wife found out I was cheating and tried to mace me. She missed and tear-gassed herself – serves her right for snooping!
- My wife asked me to take her to the gym to increase the chances of us meeting friends. Apparently, “the bedroom” wasn’t the kind of workout she had in mind.
- My wife left me because I’m too insecure. Wait, no she didn’t.
- My wife said I shouldn’t sing lullabies to our infant because I’m tone deaf. So I asked if the crying baby wakes her up, why should it matter?!
- My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” because she says I’m a tone-deaf stalker.
- My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. But more on that after a word from our sponsors!
- My wife tries to hide junk food from me, but I can smell a Snickers bar through walls. I’m like a police dog for chocolate.
- My wife asked me why I speak so softly at home and yell so loudly at work. I told her I wasn’t going to raise my voice here just because we’re at Costco!
- My wife said I ruined her birthday dinner by checking sports scores on my phone and ignoring her. But how is that my fault? The game was tied!
- My wife threw a fit when she looked at our monthly budget and saw how much money I spend on booze. But in my defense, I’m keeping all those wine and beer companies in business!
- I knew naming our wireless network “Titanic” was a bad idea. Because when my wife tried to connect, it said “Connection Lost.”
- My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found another woman’s earring in our bed. I told her it was just an air b’n’b guest, but she didn’t buy it because she caught me on the nanny cam.
Funny Jokes About Nagging Wives
Is your wife constantly nagging you about forgetting to take out the trash or put your shoes away? You’ll appreciate these funny nags about the constant nagging many husbands deal with:
- My wife was nagging me about my hearing so I simply turned down the volume.
- My wife threatened to leave me because of my bad hearing skills. I told her to speak louder and speak into my good ear.
- My wife keeps nagging me to take her out more. Fine, a date it is. I’ll pick her up Friday and have her back by Monday.
- I once let my wife rant about all of my annoying habits for two hours without interruptions to prove I’m a good listener. When she asked if I had anything to add, I said, “Sorry what did you say?”
- My wife woke me up in the middle of the night to nag me about my snoring keeping her awake. The irony keeps me up at night.
- My wife accused me of not listening to her. She said her words go in one ear and out the other. I told her to speak up, her voice echoes across my cavernous ears!
- I’m convinced my wife’s New Year’s resolution was to nag me more. How else could she improve on last year?
- I paid an artist to paint a picture of my wife nagging me so I could hang it above our bed. Now her nagging face is the last thing I see before falling asleep!
- My wife threatened to leave me over my hearing problem. I said, “That’s a fair deal, honey! When should I start packing your bags?”
- My wife says my snoring sounds like a freight train. I told her I was going to start recording her nagging and use it as a foghorn!
- I brought my wife breakfast in bed to be romantic. She immediately started nagging me about spilling crumbs on the sheets. I should have known better!
- My wife called me at work nagging about what color to paint our bedroom. She went on for 30 minutes before realizing I had hung up 20 minutes ago. Gotta love mute!
Funny Jokes About Controlling Wives
Do you feel like you’re constantly at the beck and call of your controlling wife? Then these exaggerated jokes about bossy and overbearing wives will hit home:
- My wife asked me to bring her a newspaper. I forgot and suggested she download an app instead. Big mistake – how else will she whack me on the head?!
- I told my wife we are watching the Hallmark channel tonight. She asked if we could watch something else. I reminded her this isn’t a democracy, it’s a dictatorship.
- My wife doesn’t let me hang out with my friends anymore. I didn’t want her to feel left out, so now she has no friends either!
- My wife told me to stop referring to my laptop bag as my man purse or she’d smack me. I told her there’s no reason for domestic violence since I can smack myself.
- My wife gets mad when I say 50 Shades of Grey gave me ideas. Hey, her objections to being tied up and gagged never bothered Christian Grey!
- My wife asked why I planted trees in our front yard without asking her first. I told her to stop trying to suppress my constitutional right to free speech!
- My wife made a birthday wish list with 10 expensive items on it. So I bought her a lottery ticket – she’s got a chance to win enough for all of it!
- My wife gets mad when I say her meatloaf tastes like cardboard. She should take it as a compliment that I can’t tell the difference!
- My wife wanted to name our daughter after her mother, Barbara. I agreed as long as we name our son Lizard so we can call him Liz and Barb’s kid.
- My wife uses my razor to shave her legs. So I’ve started using her toothbrush to clean the sink and toilet. Compromise is all about give and take!
- My wife bought me a huge 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle for Christmas. Payback for refusing to let her redecorate our bedroom!
- My wife agreed we could get a dog if it matched our living room decor. So I brought home a stuffed taxidermy dog and mounted its head about our fireplace. Wish granted!
Funny Insulting Jokes About Wives
Now we’re diving into funny insulting jokes about wives – read these at your own risk! The exaggerated insults blow off steam about relationships.
- Someone stole my wife’s favorite jacket. Whoever took it is in for a world of pain once she catches them wearing it!
- My wife’s cooking taste so bad that when she boils water, it’s a culinary masterpiece.
- My wife accused me of having zero empathy. I told her I don’t understand what she’s even talking about!
- My wife’s credit card was stolen, so I had to cancel our anniversary dinner reservations. It’s the thought that counts, right?
- My wife enjoys finding new ways to make me miserable. It’s the age old question: Is she evil or just stupid?
- My wife left me for a cult leader. I miss her, but I’m just glad she found a religion as crazy as she is!
- My wife’s smile reminds me of a vulture patiently waiting for its prey to die. Oddly comforting if you think about it!
- My wife wanted to get a pair of those Pokémon themed pajamas. I told her the only Pikachu I want to see her in are the yellow bikinis!
- I made the mistake of embarrassing my wife in front of her book club. Now she uses copies of Fifty Shades of Grey as throwing stars.
- Money can’t buy my wife happiness, mainly because even unlimited money couldn’t turn that frown upside down!
- My wife loves polka dot dresses. I keep asking if she’s going for a Minnie Mouse or cow costume but she doesn’t get it.
- My wife asked me if her new pants made her look fat. I told her it’s the extra 30 lbs that make her look fat – the pants are fine!
- My wife’s cooking is so bad that I seriously considered calling in a bomb threat to get out of dinner. Food poisoning seemed like the better option.
- My wife asked me if I think she’s pretty. I told her she’s pretty annoying with questions like that.
- I knew my wife put on a few pounds over the holidays but WOW – this morning she broke the bathroom scale!
- My wife accused me of having selective hearing. So I nodded in agreement.
Funny Jokes About Arguing With Wives
Every couple argues now and then. These exaggerated jokes hit on the funny side of the endless fights and bickering between spouses:
- My wife hates losing arguments, so she insists on debating over text so she can hold onto her responses and use them later.
- When my wife and I argue, I get in the last two words: “Yes dear.”
- My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
- My wife says I shouldn’t sing I Kissed A Girl since I’m married. I told her it would be an apt choice because it’s fiction.
- My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house. I told her decepticons could be anywhere. She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster – good times.
- My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward in our relationship.
- My wife is mad I pretend not to hear her. We’ve been married for 5 years and she still hasn’t figured out I really can’t hear her.
- Arguing with my wife is like wrestling a pig in mud – after a few hours I realize she’s enjoying it.
- My wife hates when I shorten her name to Ang. So naturally, I’ve started calling her ANGEL now just to irritate her.
- My wife bets me $10 that I can’t go 24 hours without being sarcastic. I told her “Don’t underestimate my abilities!” and shook on it. Easiest money I’ll ever make.
Wife Joke FAQs
That covers 100 hilarious wife jokes ranging from lighthearted quips to envelope-pushing jabs. Hopefully you found a few that gave you a good laugh! Here are some common questions people ask when it comes to jokes about wives:
Are wife jokes offensive?
Some may find jokes about wives offensive, especially those that play into negative stereotypes about women or marriage. However, most wife jokes are exaggerated scenarios meant to poke fun at the quirks of relationships, not degrade or insult. Focusing on the humor rather than taking jokes literally can help avoid needless offense. As with any comedy, know your audience.
What topics do wife jokes target most often?
Many wife jokes play off stereotypes about women being nags, controlling, or humorless. Jokes also commonly touch on romantic frustrations, household responsibilities, and the contradictions of married life. Generally the humor stems from grains of truth exaggerated for comedic effect.
Why do husbands tell jokes about their wives?
There are a few reasons husbands often Crack jokes about wife quirks:
- Blowing off steam – Comedy allows spouses to vent and laugh about minor marital frustrations.
- Bonding humor – Sarcastic wife jokes become inside jokes married couples share.
- Harmless entertainment – For most, wisecracks are simply for laughs rather than meant to insult.
Are wife jokes sexist?
Wife jokes can sometimes cross into sexist territory if they rely heavily on unfair stereotypes about women. However, jokes about husband quirks are also common. The intent is generally lightheartedness rather than malice. Still, it’s wise to consider the language and premises to ensure wife comedy punches up not down.
Do wives enjoy jokes about them?
Many wives appreciate jokes that affectionately poke fun at the ups and downs of married life. After all, comedy helps lighten stresses and laugh about the quirky dynamics spouses share. However, cruel jokes or demeaning premises cross the line for most. As with any relationship, understanding boundaries is key.
I hope this extensive collection of 100 hilarious wife jokes offers great fodder for laughs. Whether you want to spice up a best man speech or just bond with your spouse over some sarcastic marital comedy, there’s something here for every funny bone. Just remember, the exaggerated scenarios poked fun at for comedy may not fully reflect healthy relationships in real life. But taken in the silly spirit intended, jokes about the quirks of wives and marriage offer great entertainment for all.