Just Laugh and Keep These 100 Lawyer Jokes Confidential

Lawyers tend to get a bad rap when it comes to jokes. While some lawyer jokes can be amusing, it’s important to remember that most lawyers are hardworking professionals who take their ethical duties seriously. That said, who doesn’t enjoy a good laugh every now and then? As long as the jokes are not mean-spirited, sharing a lawyer joke or two can help lighten the mood.

Just remember to keep these jokes confidential, as we wouldn’t want to offend any of our lawyer friends! With that in mind, here are 100 of the best lawyer jokes and anecdotes to give you a good chuckle.

A Comprehensive List of Lawyer Jokes

General Lawyer Jokes

1. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? One knows how to take a punch, the other knows how to throw them!
2. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
3. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline!
4. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
5. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? Your Honor.
6. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
7. Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken!

8. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.
9. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? When you die, the leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
10. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
11. A man walked into a lawyer’s office and asked what his rates were. “$100 for three questions” the lawyer replied. “That’s awfully expensive isn’t it?” the man asked. “Yes it is” the lawyer replied. “Now what’s your third question?”
12. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
13. Why did God invent lawyers? So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
14. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
15. What’s black and brown and looks great on a lawyer? A Doberman Pinscher.

Dishonest Lawyer Jokes

16. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
17. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
18. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
19. A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked “Is there a criminal attorney in town?” The receptionist replied, “Yes – but we can’t prove it yet.”
20. What do you call a lawyer with dementia? Your Honor.
21. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
22. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

Overcharging Lawyer Jokes

23. Why does the bar association prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
24. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
25. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.
26. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
27. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
28. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? Your Honor.
29. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator.
30. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of the customary 6 feet? Deep down, lawyers are really good people.

Being Argumentative Lawyer Jokes

31. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline!
32. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
33. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
34. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? One knows how to take a punch, the other knows how to throw them!
35. Two lawyers walking through the woods spot a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers and starts putting them on.The second lawyer says, “You really don’t believe you can outrun that bear, do you?” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first lawyer responds. “I only need to outrun you.”
36. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
37. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
38. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
39. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

More General Lawyer Jokes

40. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
41. Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them.
42. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
43. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer points.
44. How do you know when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
45. What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
46. What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances? Retired.
47. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
48. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Your Honor.
49. What do you call a lawyer with dementia? Your Honor.
50. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.

Jokes About Lawyers and Crime

51. Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken!
52. What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
53. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
54. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a crook? The pronunciation.
55. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Your Honor.
56. What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
57. How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
58. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
59. A man walked into a lawyer’s office and asked what his rates were. “$100 for three questions” the lawyer replied. “That’s awfully expensive isn’t it?” the man asked. “Yes it is” the lawyer replied. “Now what’s your third question?”
60. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

Lawyer Jokes About Being Wordy

61. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
62. Why does the bar association prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
63. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
64. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline!
65. What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you are dead.
66. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
67. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? One knows how to take a punch, the other knows how to throw them!
68. What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
69. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60? Your Honor.
70. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator.

Jokes About Lawyers Being Evil

71. Why did God invent lawyers? So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
72. What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
73. What’s black and brown and looks great on a lawyer? A Doberman Pinscher.
74. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
75. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
76. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? When you die, the leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
77. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
78. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
79. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a pit bull? Jewelry.
80. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

Jokes About Lawyers in Hell

81. A man died and went to Heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the streets of heaven. They passed mansion after beautiful mansion until they came to the very end of the street where they stopped in front of a run down shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in. St. Peter replied, “I’m sorry, but we did the best we could with the materials you sent up.”
82. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline!
83. Where can you find a good lawyer? In hell.
84. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
85. Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet down instead of the usual six feet? Because deep down, lawyers are really good people.
86. How do you know when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.
87. Why did God invent lawyers? So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
88. The National Institute of Health just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to discover the best cure for lawyers. The study found that the best cure for lawyers was to take them out and shoot them. The Institute was so overwhelmed by the results of the study that they decided to do a second research study at an additional cost of $200 million to confirm the results of the first study. They just confirmed the results. The best cure for lawyers is to take them out and shoot them.
89. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? The bucket.
90. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Your Honor.

Jokes About Lawyers Never Losing Cases

91. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.
92. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? One knows how to take a punch, the other knows how to throw them!
93. How many lawyer jokes are there? Four. The rest are documentaries.
94. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
95. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
96. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline!
97. What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you die.
98. Why does the bar association prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
99. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.
100. Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken!

Frequently Asked Questions About Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer jokes seem to touch a nerve for both lawyers and non-lawyers alike. Here are some common questions people ask when it comes to jokes about those in the legal profession:

Why are there so many lawyer jokes?

There are a few reasons why lawyer jokes are so prevalent:

• Lawyers are an easy target – they tend to have prestige and power which people envy or resent. Making jokes brings them down a notch.
• The legal system is flawed and lawyers are seen as manipulative of that system for their benefit.
• There is a perception that lawyers are greedy and willing to do unethical things to make money.
• Lawyers have a reputation for being argumentative. People find them frustrating to deal with.
• Jokes exaggerate common stereotypes about lawyers being dishonest, deceptive and self-interested.

Do lawyers actually find the jokes funny?

Most lawyers have a good sense of humor and can appreciate a clever lawyer joke. However, mean-spirited or offensive jokes targeting the profession get old fast. Like anyone else, lawyers enjoy jokes but not those intended to insult them.

What is the most common theme in lawyer jokes?

By far, the most common theme is about lawyers being greedy, money-hungry liars who manipulate the system for their own gain. Jokes also commonly poke fun at lawyer’s perceived arrogance.

Do other professions have as many mean jokes as lawyers?

Not many professions are targeted as harshly by jokes as lawyers. Some other careers that have their share of unflattering jokes include: politicians, used car salesmen, IRS agents, and law enforcement officers. But the sheer volume and ruthlessness of lawyer jokes surpasses most other professions.

Should we feel guilty for laughing at lawyer jokes?

As long as the jokes aren’t mean-spirited or offensive, you shouldn’t feel too guilty enjoying a laugh at a lawyer’s expense. Just remember that behind the jokes, most lawyers are decent, honest people just trying to do their job well. They have feelings too!

In Conclusion

While nobody is quite sure why lawyers are the butt of so many jokes, one thing is clear – lawyer jokes don’t seem to be going away anytime soon. Lawyers provide amusing fodder for comedy writers and the general public seems to never tire of poking fun at the legal profession. Just remember most of these jokes are exaggerations and not to take them too literally at the expense of lawyers. And whether you love or hate lawyers, who can’t help but chuckle every now and then at a clever lawyer joke!

Hopefully this comprehensive collection of 100 lawyer jokes provided some laughs. Just be sure not to repeat them word-for-word to any lawyers you know – they may not appreciate the humor quite as much! But feel free to share these Confidential Jokes with friends so you can all get a good laugh together.