Nuts make for great comedy fodder and can lead to some pretty hilarious nut jokes! From peanuts to cashews, almonds to pistachios, there’s no shortage of nutty humor out there. We’ve rounded up 100 of the best nut jokes that are sure to have you cracking up!

Nut Jokes

1. What do you call nuts that have been in an accident? Cashewalties!
2. Why did the pecan chicken cross the road? To get to the nut house!
3. What do you call a nut that works out a lot? A cashew!
4. Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears and the potatoes have eyes!
5. What did the almond say when it was finished with lunch? Almond-joyed it!
6. Why do peanuts have trouble keeping secrets? They crack under pressure.
7. What do you call a nut that’s been in a car accident? A cashew-alty.
8. What did the pecan say to the walnut? Shall we go nuts together?
9. Why did the peanut get kicked out of the restaurant? It was nuts!
10. What did the almond say to the nervous cashew? Relax, nutting is wrong!
11. Why did the peanut call the police? He was assaulted!
12. What did one pistachio say to the other? You’re looking a little shell shocked!
13. Why did the almonds get in trouble at school? They were being very pistachio!
14. What do you call an almond that skips school? A truant!
15. Why are cashews never depressed? They’re happy nuts!
16. What do you call a pistachio that won’t shut up? A prattle nut!
17. Why did the macadamia go to therapy? She had some issues to work through.
18. Why don’t almonds play poker in the fall? Because they have nuttin’ to bet!
19. What did the peanut say when it got in a car accident? I’m a-cashew!
20. Why can’t you hear a pistachio when it sneezes? The sound is nutshelled!
21. Why was the almond teacher so frustrated? Her students were driving her nuts!
22. What did the macadamia say to the pecan at the nut party? Let’s pistachio!
23. Why did the peanut get sent to its room? It was being a little pistachio!
24. What did the baby almond call his father? Popsicle stick!
25. Why did the peanut make for a bad date? He was a little nutty!
26. What did the pecan say when it got rear-ended? I’m a little cracked up!
27. Why was the pistachio voted most likely to succeed? He was so cashew!
28. Why don’t nuts tell jokes at parties? Because they crack each other up!
29. How do almonds contact each other? Through their macadamiaphones!
30. Why was the peanut pessimistic about everything? He always saw the worst-cashew scenario!
31. Why did the macadamia feel so confident? He was self-assured!
32. What kind of nuts always seem tired? Exhausted peanuts!
33. Why did the pecan hate going to baseball games? Because everyone kept shouting “Nut-cracker!”
34. How do almonds greet each other? “Pleased to eat meetcha!”
35. Why do pistachios laugh so much? They just find everything hystericalmond!
36. What’s a macadamia’s favorite movie genre? Nutflix!
37. Why do almonds make good therapists? They’re very empathetic!
38. Why don’t peanuts travel abroad? They tend to stick to their own hemisphere!
39. What do you call two cashews in love? Nutmegs!
40. What do you call a pistachio who works out? A muscles nut!
41. Why do macadamias love the ocean? It’s their natural habi-nut!
42. Why did the almonds get kicked out of band class? They were always making cashew-als!
43. What’s a pistachio’s favorite song? “Nuts to you!” by the Squirrel Nut Zippers
44. Why are so many almonds signing up for karate classes? For their maca-demia nuts!
45. Why do macadamias make good baseball players? They know how to crack under pressure!
46. Why was the cashew stuck at home? It was grounded!
47. What kind of nut is great at fixing appliances? A handy-macadamia!
48. Why did the police arrest the peanut? It was a salt with a deadly weapon!
49. Which nuts have the best dance moves? Macadamias are pretty smooth!
50. Why can’t nuts tell time? They always cashew out on the minutes!
51. What did the almond say to the nervous pecan? Everything’s gonna be o-pea-kay!
52. Why did the three nuts open up a bakery? They were cooky macadamias!
53. Which nut is the most laid-back? The California pistachio, it’s so chill.
54. What kind of nut is great at basketball? A slam almond jam!
55. Why can’t cashews keep a secret? They’re bad at conceal-nut information!
56. What did the almond say to the other nut at the party? Pardon my in-shell-ence!
57. Why do peanuts make great coffee? They have that roasted nut flavor!
58. What do you call an almond that can predict the future? A prophe-nut!
59. Why don’t almonds ever want to clean up? They don’t want to cashew in their vacations!
60. Why was the macadamia so upset after the party? Somebody stole its identity!
61. What did one almond say to the other at dinner? Shall we nut-ure our friendship?
62. Why can’t nuts tell jokes? Because they always crack themselves up!
63. How did the peanut know exactly what to say? It was well-re-nutted!
64. Why was the walnut afraid to propose to his girlfriend? The stakes were high – it was a macadamia or break situation!
65. Why are cashews so narcissistic? They’re completely nuts about themselves!
66. What do you call a pistachio who’s a fan of classical music? An in-nut of the arts!
67. Why are macadamias such great detectives? They always cashew the culprit!
68. What’s a nuts favorite ride at the amusement park? The roller-coaster!
69. Why do almonds have trouble making big decisions? They second nut everything!
70. What did the pecan say to the depressed cashew? Chin nut – everything’s going to be okay!
71. Why are pistachios the most mysterious nuts? They keep their thoughts all shelled up.
72. How did the almond feel after working out? Cashew!
73. What’s a macadamia’s favorite book genre? Nut-boiling thrillers!
74. Why was the peanut disappointed after the big dance? He didn’t get to cashew inside!
75. What’s a pistachio’s favorite workout? Nut-robics!
76. Why was the almond so excited on it’s birthday? It was another year nuttier!
77. Why are cashews bad at keeping secrets? They can’t help but spill the beans!
78. What did the pecan say to the macadamia? You’re nuts!
79. Why did the almonds get kicked out of the hotel? They were making too much noise – absolutely cashewll!
80. What do you call a peanut in England? A Brit-nut!
81. What did the pistachio say when it won the lottery? I’m cashewing out tonight!
82. Why do macadamias love going to the gym? To work on their pecans!
83. Why do almonds make good priests? They’re very religious nuts!
84. What do you call a nut that’s been stolen? A taken pecan!
85. Why did the peanut get in trouble with airport security? It was going nuts!
86. What did the pecan say to the other nut at the party? Let’s pistachio and have some fun!
87. Why was the cashew all stressed out before its exam? It didn’t feel prepared – it was a little nutty!
88. What was the pistachio’s favorite class in business school? Macronut-economics!
89. Why did the police arrest the macadamia? It was charged with assault and nuttery!
90. Why don’t nuts ever win hide and seek? They’re always spotted!
91. What do you call a fake nut? An im-pasta!
92. Why did the two almonds run off and get married? They were in love with pecan other!
93. What did the pecan say to the depressed walnut? Lighten up, everything’s nut too bad!
94. Why can’t nuts keep secrets? They’re always blabbing their mouths almond!
95. How did the macadamia know what to order on the menu? It read the nut descriptions!
96. What did the pistachio say to the almond? You’re looking a little flaky!
97. Why do almonds make great lawyers? They know how to crack a case!
98. What do you call a nut in a rush? A cashew out the door!
99. Why did the peanut make for a bad crossing guard? It kept going nuts!
100. What do you call a swindling pistachio? A con nut!

Nut Joke FAQ

Here are answers to some frequently asked questions about nut jokes:

Why are nuts so funny?

Nuts make for great joke fodder because the words “nut” and “nuts” have double meanings. On one hand, they refer to edible seeds like peanuts and almonds. But the words are also slang for someone who is crazy or eccentric. This allows for plenty of humorous puns and plays on words. The absurd imagery of animate nuts also tickles people’s funny bones.

What types of jokes work well with nuts?

Puns, knock-knock jokes, school jokes, and one-liners can all work great with nuts. Pistachio and cashew puns are especially popular. You can also anthropomorphize nuts by giving them human roles, personalities, and dilemmas. Holiday jokes featuring nuts like chestnuts are big hits around Christmastime.

Where can I find more nut jokes?

This blog post contains 100 hilarious nut jokes, but there are many more to be found online and in joke books. Reddit has an active community of people sharing nut jokes in the r/nuts subreddit. The website Pun.me specializes in nut puns. Kids joke books also often contain funny nut jokes suitable for children. And around the winter holidays, lists of Christmas nut jokes abound online.

Can I use these jokes freely?

Yes, the jokes in this blog post can be freely republished or used elsewhere, as long as proper attribution is given to this original post. Feel free to retell them to others for a laugh!

Are nut jokes offensive to anyone?

Nut jokes are generally considered good-natured humor that most people find amusing. As long as they do not mock serious nut allergies or medical conditions like dementia, nut jokes are unlikely to cause offense. As with any jokes, it’s best to know your audience and avoid telling ones that stereotype or belittle. But silly wordplay using nuts is typically fine.

We hope this post leaves you cracking up and pistachio with laughter! Let us know in the comments if we missed any great nut jokes that should be included. And if you need more nutty humor in your life, follow our blog for fresh jokes and other fun content published regularly. Go nuts for comedy!