I’ve put together this list of 100 gloriously messed-up jokes. We all have those days when everything seems to be going wrong. You wake up late, spill coffee on yourself, get stuck in traffic, have a bad day at work – you name it. On days like these, you just need something to lift your spirits and make you laugh.
Consider this your one-stop shop for inappropriate humor on your most frustrating days. These jokes cover a wide range of messed-up topics – from dark and dry to downright offensive.
Proceed with caution and don’t say I didn’t warn you!
A Note on Messed-Up Jokes
Messed-up jokes aren’t for everyone. Dark, crass, and offensive humor can make some people uncomfortable. However, for those with a twisted sense of humor, these jokes offer a way to find comedy in otherwise bleak situations. They thwart social taboos and flip tragedy into something we can laugh at.
It’s important to know your audience before busting out messed-up jokes. Make sure the setting is appropriate and that you aren’t actively hurting or offending people. Use your best judgment.
Now get ready for some seriously inappropriate laughs!
100 Gloriously Messed-Up Jokes
Dark Humor Jokes
- I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
- What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
- What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume.
- My ex got hit by a bus today. I know I shouldn’t say this, but I’m really glad I was the bus driver.
- What’s the difference between a hooker and an onion? I cry when I cut up an onion.
- What’s the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
- What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash? I dunno, but it really messed up Heath Ledger’s face.
- What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits until you’re a teenager to come on your face.
- How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.
- What’s the difference between a freezer and a baby? A freezer doesn’t scream when you put your meat in it.
Crass and Profane Jokes
- Your momma’s so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
- Your momma’s so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
- Your momma’s so fat, when she sat on WalMart, she lowered the prices.
- Your momma’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said “Sorry, no professionals.”
- Your momma’s so dumb, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
- Your momma’s so poor, I saw her kicking a can down the street and asked what she was doing, she said “Moving.”
- Your momma’s so hairy, she’s got afros on her nipples.
- Your momma’s so nasty, I talked about shit and she got jealous.
- Your momma’s so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
- Yo momma’s so ugly, she made an onion cry.
- What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They both only like to come when you’re sleeping.
- Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
- What’s the difference between a block of cheese and 9/11? You can’t plane a block of cheese.
- Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
- Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
- I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
- How do you organize a space party? You planet.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
- I’m reading a book on the history of glue. It’s really hard to put down.
- A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
- Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
- Doctor: I’m afraid your DNA is backwards. Patient: And? Doctor: You have aids.
- Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
- When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I think it’s surprising how many people bring knives on a date.
- I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
- Parallel lines have so much in common but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands.
- My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe…
- Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. It was just a Fanta sea.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
- Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
- Why do frogs hate math? It gives them hop-on-ymous problems.
- Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
- What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1Forrest1
- Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? They’re two-tired.
- How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
- Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
Walks Into A Bar Jokes
- A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
- A lady walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
- A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
- A vampire walks into a bar and orders a hot cup of water. The bartender asks, “Do you want that hot?” The vampire replies, “No, just make it a cup of hot water.”
- A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says, “You know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper replies, “Who names a drink ‘Steve’?”
- A zombie walks into a bar and orders a beer. “That’ll be $5,” says the bartender. The zombie pays and starts drinking his beer. “You know,” says the bartender, “we don’t get many zombies in here.” The zombie looks up and replies, “At these prices, I’m not surprised!”
- A rabbit walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll ya have?” The rabbit says, “How much is a beer?” The bartender says, “$5.” The rabbit reaches into his pocket and…pulls out a badger. “WTF?!” says the bartender. “Hey man, I don’t make the rules,” says the rabbit. “Now give me my beer.”
- A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?” The man says to the blind man, “Look buddy, I’m blonde. The bartender is blonde. Your seeing-eye dog is blonde. All of my friends here are blonde. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind man is quiet for a moment and then says, “Nah, I don’t wanna have to explain it five times.”
- What’s the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew? Boy Scouts come back from their camps.
- What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman? Snowballs.
- What’s the worst part about being a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
- Did you hear about the new Netflix series about a black gay guy? It’s called “Orange is the New Black.”
- What do apples and black people have in common? They both hang from trees.
- Why don’t black people like country music? Every song is ho-down, ho-down, ho-down.
- What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.
- How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don’t, they just beat the room for being black.
- Why are crippled people always picked on? They can’t stand up for themselves.
Light Bulb Jokes
- How many SEC football coaches does it take to change a lightbulb? 1. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
- How many Alabama football fans does it take to change a light bulb? 5 – One to change it and 4 to talk about how good the old one was.
- How many Auburn football fans does it take to change a lightbulb? 3 – one to change it, one to videotape it and one to throw it away cuz they like the dark better.
- How many Ohio State football fans does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he gets 6 credits for it.
- How many Michigan football fans does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it and two to talk about how they did it better when Bo was around.
- How many Penn State football fans does it take to change a light bulb? We don’t know, we’re never there when it’s dark!
- How many Oklahoma Sooners does it take to change a light bulb? One to change it and three years for the bulb to learn the system.
- How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb? At least 5. One to change it and 4 to say how much better the old one was.
- My therapist told me I have trouble interpreting social cues. I think he was hitting on me.
- I’m so ugly, I went to the salon and asked for the “Make Me Drop Dead Gorgeous” treatment. They shot me.
- I’m so unattractive that I went to the salon to get that “I’m Worth It” feeling. So they kicked me out.
- I’m so lame, when I went camping, people thought the sun went down.
- I’m so boring, my autobiography is called ‘The Unsung Hero.’
- I’m so ugly, when I got a haircut they took 10% off.
- I’m so untrustworthy that even I don’t trust myself.
- I’m so boring the people I hang out with fall asleep voluntarily.
- I’m so ugly, every time I walk into a bank, they turn off all the surveillance cameras.
- I’m so lame, even my excitement uses a wheelchair.
Painfully Corny Jokes
- Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
- What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
- What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
- Why do golfers bring an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole in one!
- Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
- Which U.S. state is famous for its extra small soft drinks? Minnesota!
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells!
- What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
- Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs!
- How does a train eat? It goes chew, chew!
More Dad Jokes
- What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time!
- What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
- Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
- Our wedding was so beautiful even the cake was in tiers!
- Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes? They’d crack each other up!
Frequently Asked Questions About Messed-Up Jokes
Here are some common questions people have about messed-up jokes:
Why do people tell messed-up jokes?
There are a few reasons people enjoy messed-up humor:
- It allows them to push boundaries and break taboos safely.
- It gives an adrenaline rush from being naughty or politically incorrect.
- It lets them find humor in dark or difficult situations.
- Shock value – messed-up jokes get big reactions from people.
What are some popular messed-up joke topics?
Some topics you’ll often see in messed-up jokes include:
- Tragedies like 9/11
- Poop/bodily functions
- Controversial figures
- Mental illness
Pretty much any sensitive topic is fair game for messed-up jokes. The more inappropriate the better!
Should you tell messed-up jokes at work?
Definitely not! Messed-up jokes are almost always inappropriate for a work setting. You never know who will be offended by dark humor and it can quickly get you in trouble with HR. Save the messed-up jokes for after work hours with friends.
What’s the appeal of dark humor?
Dark humor helps people cope with difficult realities of life. Laughing at a taboo topic takes away some of its power to hurt us. It also helps people bond over shared irreverence.
Are messed-up jokes harmful?
Messed-up jokes can normalize prejudice if used irresponsibly. Make sure your audience is receptive and you’re not promoting harmful stereotypes or bigotry. Avoid punching down at disadvantaged groups.
Do messed-up jokes make you a bad person?
Not necessarily! Having an off-color sense of humor doesn’t make someone a bad person. But beware of jokes that only exist to dehumanize others. There’s a difference between irreverent humor and mean-spirited humor.
I hope this giant list of gloriously inappropriate jokes was just what you needed on your crappy day! Remember to use discretion before busting these out – some people just don’t appreciate messed-up humor like we do. When in doubt, keep the really offensive jokes between you and your fellow twisted-humor lovers. Here’s to laughing through pain and making the most of messed-up situations!